Blogfest 2005 - Dec 7, 2004 - Printable Version
- Coping With Loss: How to Deal With the 2004 Election
by Mark Faulk In 1969, Elisabeth Kubler-Ross identified what she called "The 5 Stages of Receiving Catastrophic News", after observing the coping process of hundreds of patients whose diagnosis was terminal. Throughout the years, these stages were gradually expanded by healthcare professionals and counselors to include dealing with the loss of a relationship or any other profoundly negative event, and became commonly known as "The 5 Stages of Grief".
With the emotional roller coaster that 49% of America has been on lately, I thought if might be helpful to review these stages so that we could better understand our seemingly erratic behavior of the past few weeks.
Okay, I'm certain that there are a lot of you out there who thought to yourselves, "My behavior has not been erratic!" I'm seen your letters, I've read your emails, and I've spoken with a few of you in person. Trust me, your behavior HAS been erratic. You people are all over the map emotionally, and denying it only means that you are still mired in the first phase, which is called, appropriately enough:
DENIAL: This didn't happen! I like to call this the "It's all a dream" phase, or the "if I ignore it, then maybe it will go away" phase. What the!?!?!? How can Kerry concede the election? HE DIDN'T LOSE, DAMMIT! I demand a recount, because...well, HE COULDN'T HAVE LOST. Okay, let's be honest here. I've been around a bit longer than a few of you, I was around in the sixties. Hell, I'm still in denial about Bobby Kennedy's assassination. And guess what? My twenty-six (and counting) years of pretending it didn't happen hasn't changed a damn thing.....not yet anyway. Wait a second, it's been thirty-six years since he was killed. I can't be that old. This isn't happening!
ANGER: Those sons-of-bitches screwed us! They cheated, they stole the election. Over a hundred million votes cast, and the election was rigged by some geeky pimple-faced kid with a pocket protector sitting at a computer. It's been over a month since the election, and there are still a lot of you stuck in this phase. Unfortunately, since there's honestly not a damn thing we can do to fix anything (at least not by ourselves), a lot of us are taking it out on those we love. I feel fortunate that I have risen above that urge, kept complete control of my emotions, and.....if that damn cat meows one more time I'm going to kick it! Sorry, what was I saying?
BARGAINING: Or the "Monty, let's make a deal" phase. Ummm, I don't know anyone who's in this phase, because who the hell wants to make a deal with the Devil....I mean, Bush? Next phase, please!
DEPRESSION: Next, we come to America's number one pastime, and it ain't baseball. That's right, I'm talking about depression. This sucks, sorry, I mean THIS SUCKS! I'd move to Canada if it wasn't for Celine Dion. And who the hell wants to listen to that annoying accent all the faulking time? Plus, even when they speak English, you can't understand a thing they're saying. "Spot me a fin for some homo milk and KD, eh? I had to deke, and now I'm getting pogey." As far as I can tell, that means "Loan me five dollars for some whole milk and Kraft Macaroni and Cheese. I had to sneak over the border and now I'm on welfare."
I even heard that Michael Moore has holed up in his mansion and gone on a major Twinkie eating rampage and gained another hundred pounds. C'mon, give me a faulking break! "Woe is me, I made millions bashing Bush, and now he's going to give me a huge tax break, because I'm one of the richest people in America. Life is soooooo unfair!" Faulk to Moore: GET OVER IT, RICHIE RICH! The rest of us earn less in a year than you make on your day off, and we're paying all the taxes! NOW THAT'S DEPRESSING!
ACCEPTANCE: This is the time to finally accept our fate...that's right, BUSH WON, and the only cabinet member who hasn't resigned is...OH, MY GOD....Rumsfeld! Get used to it. Look on the bright side of things for once in your pitiful lives. Sure, the economy will be in the crapper for four more years (but Michael Moore will be just fine, thank you very much), we'll have five or six more wars (but so many young Americans will get to "see the world"), global warming will melt the polar ice caps (but we'll have some great tans), and democracy as we know it will be over (but at least the homos won't be getting married any time soon, and I'm not talking about whole milk here). See? There's a positive side to any situation.
Oh, what the faulk, screw acceptance! What was phase one again? Oh yeah, THIS DIDN"T HAPPEN! And, I can hardly wait until Bobby Kennedy gets elected. THEN things are going to be different around here. There, I feel better already. And if this feeling wears off, I can always kick the cat again.....
(Editor's note: The Faulking Truth would like to make it perfectly clear that this is purely a satirical piece, and no cats were actually kicked or harmed in any way in the making of this article, nor do we advocate the kicking of cats. However, those annoying little yippy dogs that keep you awake all night barking....that's another issue altogether.)
(Editor's note: This is an entry from The Faulking Truth blog, ingeniously entitled "Blogfest 2005". If you'd like to spend more of your valuable time blogging, go to www.faulkingtruth.com/blog/ )
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Blogfest 2005 Archives:
Keep on Blogging in The Free World (Mark Faulk, Sep 21, 2004)
"It's the Issues, Stupid" (Mark Faulk, Sep 21, 2004)
The Trust Factor......mmmmmm, donuts (Mark Faulk, Sep 30, 2004)
The Vice-Presidential Debate Primer (Mark Faulk, Oct 5, 2004)
Is Bush a girly-man? (Mark Faulk, Oct 7, 2004)
Kids! Time to come in and get dressed for war (Mark Faulk, Nov 1, 2004)
"I Think We're all Bozos on this Bus" and "Dude, Where's My Bong?" (Mark Faulk, Nov 5, 2004)
"We're mad as hell and we're not going to take it anymore!" and "The Ministry of Truth Strikes Again" (Mark Faulk, Nov 9, 2004)
Vacation....Had to get away (Mark Faulk, Nov 11, 2004)
A 'Tribute' to Steve Martin (Mark Faulk, Nov 14, 2004)
How Long Can You Tread Water? (Mark Faulk, Nov 17, 2004)
"Give the People What They Want" (Mark Faulk, Nov 22, 2004)
Home on the Range..... (Mark Faulk, Nov 27, 2004)
Coping With Loss: How to Deal With the 2004 Election (Mark Faulk, Dec 7, 2004)
Peace Kills (Mark Faulk, Dec 21, 2004)
A Tale of Two Psychos (Mark Faulk, Dec 27, 2004)
Hurtling Headlong Through the Blogosphere (Mark Faulk, Jan 4, 2005)
The Faulking Truth Gone Wild (Mark Faulk, Jan 6, 2005)
Palestinians Elect Abba by Wide Margin (Mark Faulk, Jan 9, 2005)
"Look everybody, we've found WMDRPAs!" and "Supporting the Inauguration Day Boycott.....Sort of" (Mark Faulk, Jan 12, 2005)
Confessions of.....a Christian (Mark Faulk, Jan 18, 2005)
Seven Degrees of George W. Bush (Mark Faulk, Jan 20, 2005)
Dear IRS...... (Mark Faulk, Jan 25, 2005)
What Democracy Means to Me (Johnny Carson, Feb 5, 2005)
"I love you...no, really, I do...." and "Have a Crappy... I Mean... Happy Valentine's Day" (Mark Faulk and Kelsey Renee Faulk, Feb 14, 2005)
"THE END OF BLOCKBUSTER!" (Mark Faulk, Feb 19, 2005)
The Poor get Poorer..... (Mark Faulk, Mar 8, 2005)
Refinancing your home the 'hard' way..... (Mark Faulk, Mar 19, 2005)
A Fall From Grace - How Bush is Alienating Mainstream America (Mark Faulk, Mar 26, 2005)
I'm not schizophrenic....and neither am I (Mark Faulk, Mar 31, 2005)
Pope Dies of old Age (Mark Faulk, Apr 4, 2005)
America to Dateline: Tell the Truth Now! (Mark Faulk, Apr 7, 2005)
How I Spent my Weekend (Russell Tharp, Apr 18, 2005)
How Many Lesbians Does it Take to Screw in a Lightbulb? (Mark Faulk, Apr 27, 2005)
Four Dead in Ohio (Mark Faulk, May 4, 2005)
Some Mother's Son (Mark Faulk, May 8, 2005)
"lalalalalalalala.....I can't hear you!" (Mark Faulk, May 22, 2005)
The Man on the Crane (Mark Faulk, May 28, 2005)
NOW Do You Feel Secure on the Internet? (Mark Faulk, Jun 1, 2005)
Taking the Faulking Truth to the Airwaves (Mark Faulk, Jun 17, 2005)
Wall Street: Destroying the Evidence (Mark Faulk, Jun 21, 2005)
And now....Page two (Mark Faulk, Jul 1, 2005)
Help Wanted- President Seeks New Brain (Mark Faulk, Jul 11, 2005)
Bush Picks "French Fry Judge" for Supreme Court (Mark Faulk, Jul 19, 2005)
Praying for a Miracle (Mark Faulk, Jul 23, 2005)
Send in the Clowns (Mark Faulk, Jul 28, 2005)
"What's Wrong With This Picture?" or "Gas Prices Set Record High.....Win A Free Hummer!" (Mark Faulk, Aug 15, 2005)
Pat Robertson's Case for the Assassination of President Bush.....I mean, Hugo Chavez (Mark Faulk, Aug 23, 2005)
The Faulking Truth...in (Black) and (White) (Mark Faulk, Aug 25, 2005)
They're Trying to Wash Us Away.... (Mark Faulk, Aug 31, 2005)
"Not Acceptable" (Mark Faulk, Sep 2, 2005)
And I'm looking forward to sitting on the porch (Laughter.) (Mark Faulk, Sep 6, 2005)
Who Says FEMA Can't Relate to Blacks, Yo? (Mark Faulk, Sep 15, 2005)
Faulking Truth to Senator Shelby: PUT THE DAMN FIRE OUT! (Mark Faulk, Sep 21, 2005)
George Talks to God..... (Mark Faulk, Oct 8, 2005)
For the Greater Good..... (Mark Faulk, Oct 27, 2005)
Coalition....What Coalition? (Mark Faulk, Nov 21, 2005)
Confessions of a White Gentile (Mark Faulk, Dec 4, 2005)
The World Just Got A Little Less Funny (Mark Faulk, Dec 10, 2005)
MySpace is the Devil (Mark Faulk, Dec 18, 2005)
Desecrating Christmas (Mark Faulk, Dec 29, 2005)
Srecna Nova Godina....od tim Faulking Truth (Mark Faulk, Jan 1, 2006)
On Kurt Vonnegut..... (Mark Faulk, Jan 8, 2006)
Taking it to the Streets (Mark Faulk, Jan 14, 2006)
Desecrating History (Mike Bohling, Feb 4, 2006)
Congress Uses "C Word" (Mark Faulk, Mar 13, 2006)
Conspiracy....or Conspiracy Nuts? (Mark Faulk, Mar 18, 2006)
Roddy Boyd: Choosing up Sides (Mark Faulk, Mar 28, 2006)
Emotional Casualties of War (Mark Faulk, Apr 28, 2006)
It is a very mixed blessing to be brought back from the dead. (Mark Faulk, May 10, 2006)
MySpace is the Devil (Redux) (Mark Faulk, May 23, 2006)
Confessions of Part Time Hit Man (Mark Faulk, Jun 5, 2006)
“The Anatomy of a Rumor” or “I’ll Take the Kool-aid” (Mark Faulk, Jun 17, 2006)
"ALL INVESTORS ARE EQUAL, BUT SOME ARE MORE EQUAL THAN OTHERS" – SEC eliminates integrity in the stock market (Mark Faulk, Jul 6, 2006)
Everybody's a dreamer and everybody's a star (Mark Faulk, Jul 24, 2006)
It Wasn't the Planes that Killed King Kong.... (Mark Faulk, Aug 4, 2006)
Forget the Mideast, it’s the Midwest uprising Bush should worry about (Mark Faulk, Aug 28, 2006)
Blame it on the Full Moon (Mark Faulk, Oct 8, 2006)
How Low Can They Go? (Mark Faulk, Nov 2, 2006)
Truth in the Booth...Live on CFRN on Nov. 17th (Mark Faulk, Nov 16, 2006)
Life WIth Father (Mark Faulk, Dec 15, 2006)
Thinking Voyager 2 Type Things (Mark Faulk, Jan 16, 2007)
so simple in the moonlight.... (Mark Faulk, Feb 20, 2007)
Promises, Promises….Take a Letter!!! (Mark Faulk, March Mar 19, 2007)
CMKX The Train of Truth (Mark Faulk, April 10, 2007 )
Gonzo Radio....or.....when all else fails, blog it!!!! (Mark Faulk, June 16, 2007)
Observations on the Way Home (Mark Faulk, August 5, 2007)
The Idiot’s Guide to the Electoral Process (Mark Faulk, Feb 8, 2008)
MAPS for Millionaires or “Daddy, buy me an arena” (Mark Faulk, Feb 29, 2008)
Dear Hillary: When the race is over, it's over.... (Mark Faulk, Mar 10, 2008)
“We come for your children” – The Truth About the Gay Agenda (Mark Faulk, May 2, 2008)
Savior Hillary (Mark Faulk, May 20, 2008)
This is me in fragments...enter at your own risk (Mark Faulk, Jun 30, 2008)
Silver State Bank: What’s Deposited in Vegas Doesn’t Stay in Vegas (Mark Faulk, Jul 30, 2008)
John McSame’s Campaign to Nowhere (Mark Faulk, Sep 12, 2008)
Change has come to America (Mark Faulk, Nov 5, 2008)
Hemp, a Self Sustaining Answer to a Troubled Nation (Kevin M. West, Mar 19, 2009)
The Other Casualties of War (Mark Faulk, May 25, 2009)
Michael Vick Returns to Dogfighting (Katie Lauren, Aug 20, 2009)
I'm on a Plane (Mark Faulk, Sept. 30, 2009)
And so this is Christmas.... (Mark Faulk, Dec 15, 2009)
Whan Picasso Painted the Sixteenth Chapel (Mark Faulk, May 29, 2010)
The Devolution of Man (Robin Buckallew, Jul 31, 2010)
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